A Force of Nature Page 6

  Goddamn it, who am I kidding? I am crazy!

  I thought I’d be settled once I got overseas and would feel at “home.” But I guess I had some unfinished business back in the good ol’ US-of-A. That’s why I couldn’t concentrate properly. I think it was a dick move, the way I abandoned my family. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at pictures of Emeline that I knew were waiting in the dozen emails that sat unopened on my computer. Seeing Em would just be a cruel reminder of what I was missing, and a reminder of the fact that I volunteered to do a shitty tour again. What a dumbass!

  I also knew things were unfinished with Everly. God, that fucking woman had crawled right under my skin. Her barbed exterior burrowed its way right under the nail beds, and no amount of jacking off or hardcore exercising to get her out of my system was working. I was doing everything I could to tire myself out during the day so I’d literally pass out at night. I was actively trying not to have to lie in bed alone and think about the monumental fuckups I’d caused.

  I had yet to talk to any of my family by phone. The only person I had responded to so far was my mom, via email, and she said she’d let everyone know I was okay. I knew if I opened up Caylan’s emails, she’d have some choice words for me about how I’d ducked her. I couldn’t handle disappointing yet more people in my life; I think that’s why I’ve mostly been a loner. There was no point in getting too close to people if you move around so much; if you’re not the one doing the moving, then they end up leaving. Either way, someone’s always moving on. That seemed to be the story of my life.

  I hung out with Alexi and his best friends a few times before I left. We had officially met at the hospital during Caylan’s recovery. I’d also seen them at the wedding and at Caylan’s graduation party in December. They were pretty cool dudes. Caleb Daniels is a lawyer and is rumored to hit on every cougar. Gil Morris is some bigwig in finance or some shit. Alexi had mentioned once that he had shared the same women at times with his best friend, Anthony Parker, but I didn’t know or care because that was their thing and their business.

  Anthony is a doctor too—a doctor of what I couldn’t quite remember—but I think it’s pediatrics. He was engaged to a redhead, which shocked the hell out of his friends when it happened since another one in their group fell prey to a woman. Her name is Shanna Sullivan. She’s a sweet, Southern girl from Oklahoma. I never visited her hometown while I was stationed there, but then again I didn’t know she existed, let alone her little hometown of Payton. It’s a small world sometimes—some people’s paths don’t ever cross, but eventually they lead to the same point.

  But anyways, Shanna’s gorgeous—and taken. Anthony didn’t take too kindly to me talking with her at the graduation, so I hadn’t seen her since. I doubt I had been a great conversationalist at the grad party, because I was still reeling from having met Everly earlier in the day. I was damned amused about Anthony’s attitude toward me, though. I’d never move in on someone’s love interest, but I get it that those guys are protective of their women. I say good for them.

  When I went out with that group of guys, we just did the drinking thing and talked shit. The only remaining bachelors in the circle were Caleb and Gil; well, I guess you could throw me in there too. Again, I liked those guys, but what it boiled down to is that they were far too smart for me to hang with. I certainly tried to hold my own when I was with them, though. However, no dude likes to feel inferior. There was always that fucking unspoken pissing contest and whose-dick-is-bigger competition with them, no matter what. Regardless, they were good men, and good friends to Alexi. They treated my sister well and were there for her and Alexi during her abduction, so they were okay in my book.

  I circled back to thinking about how Ev seemed like a loner too. Not only did she not talk about her family, but she hadn’t mentioned any friends either. It’s funny how you pick up on things after the fact. But I’ve had a lot of time on my hands to think; well, that’s all I seemed to do at the base. Maybe that’s why Ev and I would have been a match made in heaven? Or in my case, hell? I felt like I have been in perpetual hell, lost and completely stuck in the abyss of my thoughts. It’s a cruel thing when you can’t surface and keep sinking to the bottom. You’re teased a little bit and given a gulp of air only to be pulled right back down moments later. But enough of that crap—look at me, being all philosophical.

  My supervisor was giving me a raft of shit for some rookie mistakes I had been making with the loads. Fuck, I was better than that. I felt like a moron because you’d think I was fresh out of tech school and hadn’t been doing the same job for over fifteen years. I had just finished another shift; the next day would be my first day off since arriving. Eventually I’d be on a schedule of six days on and one day off, so I was looking forward to that. There was just too much work to do at the moment to take a break. I don’t think the general public realizes how hard we work at home and down range. No matter where we are, the workload is tremendous because we are a smaller military with more jobs to do these days. But fuck, I really couldn’t complain, considering it did help keep my mind from wandering into a dark place—or even into a light place that housed a blonde-haired, curlicue beauty.

  I had made it back to my tent and I was sitting on my cot. I put my head in my hands and sighed heavily. I desperately needed another shower, but it wouldn’t help get clean; you were always “dirty” over here. You’d step out of the shower and immediately be covered in dust, dirt, and sweat. I bet if they fucking tested my blood, the vial would be brown, not red, from all the shit swirling around in the air. The burn pits are the worst; the smell wafted right toward my tent. The shit pit, where we dumped all the sewage, made things extra fun.

  What was the point of trying to sleep? You had to wait for sleep to come to you, and sometimes she could be a fickle bitch. Forgive me, but I curse her a lot to the depths of hell. I breathed deeply for a moment, trying not to choke on dust, and thought about Ev. About what went down after I spent time in heaven between her thighs. What happened when I fucked it all up, that is. I flashed back to the night before I left, replaying everything.

  I knew I needed to tell her I was leaving before things went any further. I wanted to kiss the inside of her leg again, but she stared down into my face so tenderly, it was crushing me. My insides were caving in. The avalanche was going to occur any second. Fuck, it was the guilt that was eating me alive. She deserved to know. I got the sense that it was a one-time thing for her, but then I kept second-guessing myself because of the way she was acting with me—but maybe I wasn’t as observant or perceptive as I thought. I prided myself on being observant, so this threw me off; well, actually, she threw me off in general. Shit, I don’t know. How could she have unraveled me so quickly?

  Without even thinking, I blurted out, “Everly, there’s something I have to tell you.”

  I could see the surprise in her eyes. I could tell she was retreating. This woman had perfected control of her facial expressions, and on command could school them into her “normal” appearance. She was bracing for something bad, because her face pinched up. All that work I had done to bring out the relaxed, pliable woman underneath vanished in an instant. Fuck. Even so, I had hoped I’d get the chance to one day find out what had hurt her so much and to cause her to be so guarded.

  I stood up from where I had been kneeling by her creamy skin and reached for her, but she stepped back. Okay, telling her was not going to be easy—she had already gone on the defensive.

  “Everly . . . I am leaving in the morning,” I said with reluctance.

  She looked confused for a second, then her eyes darted around the room until they landed smack-dab on my bags settled by the wall. Her lovely green eyes narrowed into slits, and I could see the wheels spinning. Her hair practically came alive as she turned her head, as if Medusa-like snakes were weaving in and out. If I didn’t have a thing for her already, I’d have been afraid she’d turn me to stone with just one look. I knew she had figured it out, though, from
the bags. Shit, the woman should have been a detective. She figured things out in a nanosecond, but I’d already gathered that the she wasn’t so good at discerning genuine feelings; maybe they were just too foreign of a concept for her.

  “Just like I thought. You were going to fuck me and discard me. You fucking soldiers are all alike,” she spat at me. It practically gave me whiplash.

  It was not lost on me that once again she used the term “soldier” as an insult and reduced me to something I was not. The “fuck” and “discard” comments were added hurtful digs. I had no idea why she would be making such a comparison between me and another military person. I had no clue what her frame of reference was. I knew I wouldn’t get the chance to ask; I just knew she was shutting down. This was it. I needed to think fast, but she started pulling her top up—the one that had been scrunched around her elbows. After most of the buttons had gone flying off around the room, I imagined there wouldn’t be much to hold the material together. But, being the resourceful woman she was, she tied the ends up, which made her shirt into the most alluring crop top. Goddamn her for always having the upper hand. Her belly button jewel winked at me as if to say, “Not on your life, buddy.”

  She pulled on her skirt, straightening and smoothing it into place. I was distracted by each movement of her sexy hands running over her body. What a fucking vixen! How could one woman be so lethal?

  I was going to try to explain everything to her. In my head, saying all the right things, but instead of it coming out the way I needed it to and wanted it to, of course I failed in the most epic sense. I guess my defense mechanism is sarcasm too.

  “Yup, that’s it! I was going to fuck you and leave you. You got me all figured out, don’t you? Well, at least you can return the favor and suck my cock before you storm off!” I fired back with an absolute lack of feeling.

  She recoiled at that—it was a slight reaction. If I hadn’t been paying such close attention, I might have missed it. After the words were said, I felt my stomach bottom out. I do not by any means like to hurt women. My sister would have twisted my nuts off if she had heard what I said. Hell, my mom would have used one of those melon ballers on me—we’d have had a de-nutting party going on. What a bastard I was!

  If my vile words hurt her, she didn’t let on. She wouldn’t have let me see if they did anyway. She was too tough for that. That’s why she was stronger than I am. I don’t know how she did it. She just huffed as if she was bored by our conversation. I can’t believe she didn’t cry at that moment. That was such a cruel, shitty, and disgusting thing to say, but she took it like a man. She put her hands on her delicious hips, which only accentuated her dangerous body all the more. My dick was crying in a lonely corner of my pants because I had fucked up the situation. And let’s face it—sex is something you absolutely need in order to relieve stress, especially before getting deployed. But not just any woman would do. I wanted her.

  She took two steps toward me. I couldn’t tell if she was going to throw a punch or take me up on the distasteful offer I had laid at her feet. She did neither of those things, though. Instead, she stared me down with the rays of a thousand suns and said the thing that cut the deepest.

  “I can’t say it was nice meeting you, Tech Sergeant Peters, but I wish you good luck and hope you return home safely to your family.” She spoke firmly.

  Then she turned on her heel and walked out of my room, slamming the door behind her. In the distance, I heard the front door slam too. I also heard Maverick bark. I knew I was utterly alone. A part of me wanted to run after her to make sure she would get home safely, or at least give her a ride back to her car. But I was absolutely frozen in place. I could not for the life of me move because of the finality of the situation. I would have welcomed a bitchy attitude, but when she wished me luck and a safe return, I couldn’t process or handle her words. I think it made me realize she had just cut me out of her life in that one second. She had made a choice for both of us, and it sliced me to the core.

  I sank down to the bed and gripped the sides of the mattress so hard with my fists, I was white-knuckling like I never had before. Sweat poured down my face in stinging streams, and my eyes watered and burned from the salty mixture.

  Fuck, I hoped she would make it home okay, especially in that sexy outfit she donned. I prayed she’d call a friend or a taxi, because it was a cold night. Hell, I didn’t even know where she lived so I wouldn’t be able to check on her. I realized I didn’t have her phone number either. She was a mystery lady to me in so many ways, and yet I’d never felt so totally connected to a woman in all my life. But I guess you could say we were both “gone.”

  Fuck, it sucked thinking about that night again. I took a deep breath and laid down in my bed with my boots still firmly laced on my feet. I let sleep take me. She was merciful tonight, and for that I was truly grateful.

  I spoke these words in my mind as I drifted off: Everly . . . wherever you are out there in the world, I wish you good night and the sweetest of dreams. And whether you want me to or not, I’ll come home to you and I’ll make this right somehow.

  April 11, 2017

  I was still nowhere near ready to reach out to my sister. I didn’t need to pile anything on her. I figured I’d worry her more if I talked to her. Of course I saw the inbox in my email folder was filled to the brim with all manner of begging, shouting, and threatening emails from my family—especially because of the significance of the date.

  Just focus on work. Yeah, that’s good.

  That was something I needed to do. In Afghanistan, there was just the sand and time and silence. I don’t particularly like the silence because being alone with my thoughts was not good. But what choice did I have? I didn’t even tell anyone on the base it was my birthday. I blew out an imaginary candle on the imaginary cupcake I was holding in my hand. I did this while I stood in the crummy makeshift shower with the water raining down on my large form, all while trying to wash away my torment. I made a wish . . .

  It wouldn’t come true anyway. Wishing was for the weak.

  Chapter 7: No-Go Zone

  Everly

  July 4, 2017

  I sat in my apartment, staring at my computer screen. Pussy just jumped up on the kitchen table and stuck her ass in my face. I swatted her away. She gave me a snotty look and scampered off to sulk; she had been a needy, clingy bitch lately. What was up with her? I was not in the mood for her shenanigans.

  It was after ten o’clock, and the sky was covered in thick clouds; no stars in sight. It smelled like rain was looming in the air because of the humidity. Some of the fireworks had died down after the big celebration during the day’s festivities around the city. Since I was surrounded by apartments, there wasn’t much activity in my area. Down by the water, however, that was a different story—there were shows celebrating the mighty Independence Day, and I’m sure all the happy little families were enjoying themselves. Where my place was nestled, though, it was hard to celebrate. Besides, you needed a permit to light fireworks anyway since Pennsylvania is one of those persnickety states when it comes to these things. They only allowed them at places like theme parks or event venues.

  Once in a while, I’d hear someone shoot off some kind of whizzing thing from their rooftop, or I’d see a kid across the way with a colorful sparkler. But that was as much activity as I’d probably get. Nope—no fireworks in my bedroom either. Pussy was seeing more action than I had, since she began making eyes with the tabby cat down the hall. I had caught her trying to sneak out a few times when I opened my door. I had never got around to getting her fixed, but I was in no way ready to be a grandma. I had to be better about keeping tabs on her.

  As I continued to sit there, cursing at a blank Word document, I realized the only action I had had in the last four months was the night I was with Brent. His lips, tongue, and teeth had felt so good on me. I was mad at myself for constantly using his sexy face as the hero in my fantasies when I was pleasuring myself. My vibrator, which
I had bitchily named “Soldier,” did the trick time and time again. Damn that man for being the one who made me come whenever his rugged good looks entered the picture. Good thing he’d never know.

  I put the back of my hand to my face and felt my skin, which was kind of feverish. Brent did that to me, though. Just thinking about him made me want to rip my clothes off and lose myself in him. The night before he left, he had made my skin so sensitive from the onslaught of oral treatment. My flesh had been so hot and aching for him, it was unlike anything I could have ever dreamed. I had wanted so badly to glue his mouth right between my thighs and keep him there forever. But, like usual, things got fucked up, and I cut and ran.

  The idiot didn’t even chase after me—but it wasn’t a game. I certainly hadn’t expected him to run after me, if I’m being honest with myself. I was the one who ran, and I own up to it. Luckily, I called a taxi after I strutted out of his place. When I made it to the base, the gate guard took mercy on me and let me get my car so I could return home. I’m sure the outfit I wore helped my case. I never reached out to Brent after that night. It didn’t matter, because I had no way of contacting him anyway. Sure, I could have dug a little to obtain his info, but by that point I didn’t want to.

  I didn’t appreciate what he had said to me, but I guess since I didn’t reciprocate in the oral department, I’m sure he was pissed and just being a total douche about it. I didn’t want to send him off to war with blue balls—but that was his problem, not mine. He should have been honest and up front about being deployed. I had been a moron for letting him get to me in the first place. Not only that, but I stupidly missed out on having what was sure to have been the best sex of my life, and for what? Why did I really care that he was leaving? Nope, not going to examine that one because I wasn’t sure which side of the fence I wanted to be on in this dilemma.