Nursing Myself Back Page 17
Happy birthday to this old fart, I think as I run for the stall.
Chapter 20: Horrorscope
Liezel
My stomach finally settles from flip-flopping and retching. I emerge from the bathroom after another ten minutes, and Caleb is standing outside the alcove to the restrooms with his arms crossed, leaning against the wall. He has a very defeated look on his face. I want to comfort him, but I can’t—hell, I can’t even console myself. I know his distress is my doing, but he caused me pain too.
Then my blood pressure rises thinking about that awful woman. He must know Courtney, and I wonder if she already made a play for him. Obviously, she’s on a first name basis with him—maybe even an intimate one? It doesn’t matter anyway!
His normally warm, inviting brown eyes search my face, and I can’t tell what his emotions are. Regret? Sympathy? Disappointment? Love? Hatred? Longing? I don’t know what to think. Maybe a combination of all of them?
“Can we talk about what happened for a minute in private?” He questions softly.
“Well, there’s really no place to talk, so go ahead and say what you have to say right here,” I suggest because I’m not going home with him—I’ll let him know that in a minute.
“I don’t know what to say, Liz. I don’t know what happened back there. I thought things were great between us, and then you blindsided me with your reaction. Clearly, I was wrong about us. I had this whole thing planned. I wanted to go away to Alexi’s lake house next weekend. I was going to talk to the kids tomorrow night and do a second proposal in front of them too. I thought it’s what you wanted,” he comments, looking disgusted as if I’m a villain.
“Are you serious right now with this? What did you expect? What, that I’d go along with this? I don’t think you know me at all, Caleb. I think you want so badly to find your other half that you don’t care who it is. Maybe I’m too flawed for you. Maybe you should find someone your own age. I’ve lived my life with marriage and kids. Don’t let me deprive you of doing the same. You can’t just have an instant family by butting your way into mine,” I acerbically deliver my blows.
He rears back like I sucker-punched him in the face, and I guess I did with the words I lobbed at him.
“Is that what you think of me?” He asks as I see him stuff the ring box he was clutching in his right hand roughly into his pants pocket.
Then, he finishes by saying, “I guess you don’t know me either, Liz.”
I deserve that, and it’s probably true. We’re not getting anywhere with this little chat of ours. I think we should call it a night, so I tell him as much. He offers to drive me home, but I respectfully decline, and we walk back out to join our friends.
“Can someone please drive me home if it’s not too much of an imposition? If not, I’ll gladly call a cab.” I find myself having a hard time getting the words out.
“We’ll take her! Won’t we, Gil?” Addison says as she turns to Gil, who’s nodding.
I’m borderline having a breakdown as I give my thanks. I’m such a shit friend, though, because I can’t even muster the strength or ability to thank everyone for coming. I already said my apologies to the girls about the fiasco, but I don’t feel like repeating it, even though I should for the guys’ benefit.
I wave goodbye to everyone, and Addison and Gil lead me out of the restaurant to their vehicle. As soon as I’m situated in the back seat, I begin to ugly cry. I’m winning in one way because I manage to breathe through my nose and out my mouth, successfully warding off more vomiting episodes.
I continue to lose it in the back, and I’m grateful they leave me to my own devices. I lay my head against the headrest and close my eyes, trying to get a hold of myself. I feel so broken. After driving for a little bit, my exhaustion takes over, and I end up dozing off.
I awake once we arrive back at my house. I’m apologetic to them both, but of course they understand given the circumstances surrounding the evening. I’m really lucky to have such caring friends. Gil comes around to open my door, and I’m about to cry all over again at his kindness. It’s so chivalrous, thoughtful, and sweet. It’s something Caleb would do and has done—my heart breaks a little more thinking about how we crash-landed before we barely got the tires off the runway.
Addison holds me in a warm hug and kisses my cheek. She’s like the little sister I never had and always wanted. I mumble my sincere “thanks.” Gil says “goodbye” and goes around to his side to get back in the car. Addison shuts her car door, and we’re left standing there for a moment. I assume she wanted to say something to me without an audience.
“Listen, I’m the worst at probably giving advice, and I’m not trying to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong” she begins.
And I can hear her winding up for a big but.
“But…I think you need to let the dust settle and see what things look like in a few days. Sometimes guys can be stupid and say and do stupid things. I hate dogging on them, but they’re guys. I think sometimes we gotta cut them some slack for their stupidity. I know you were married, so I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. I’m sorry, I’m probably not being helpful, am I?” She panics, looking so worried she’s upset me.
I squeeze her hand reassuringly and tell her what she said means a lot. She breathes out a sigh of relief and turns to get back in the car. I start heading up my walkway to my front entrance when she yells for me to wait. She jogs up to me, clutching her purse, then starts digging frantically inside it, looking for something. After rummaging for a little bit, she finally pulls out a folded piece of white paper. She doesn’t smooth it out, and instead tucks it into my palm and folds my fingers over it almost reverently. I wonder what it could be?
“Remember that poem of Caylan’s I mentioned?” She looks to me for my response, so I nod, and she goes on.
“Well, this is the one. It seemed to fit what was going on between me and Gil. I think you’ll find it helpful when you’re ready to read it. Take a bath, or get a massage. Pamper yourself. Please promise me you’ll do something girly and relaxing,” she begs.
I appease her by confirming I will do just that. She gives me one more hug and runs back to the car. I trudge to my door and go inside to shut myself in. I don’t want to come out until I absolutely have to.
***
Caleb
It’s been a little over two weeks since Liz’s disaster of a birthday party. I’ve been ignoring my friends. They’ve been blowing up my phone with texts and calls, but I’m not having it. I think at one point someone tried to stop by my place—I didn’t even bother answering the door or attempt to see who it was. I’ve been going to work and coming home, and that’s it!
I think back to the day after the restaurant scene, and how I was trying to distract myself that morning. I ended up reading the newspaper and immediately regretted it. Want to know what my horoscope said for that day? Well, I’ll tell you, and it cut me to the core. It read as follows:
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Virgo
A vacation with your romantic interest is in the works. You’re also finding yourself making a life-changing commitment at work or in your personal life, so embrace all that is in store. Forge those bonds you’ve been contemplating and find an outlet for channeling excess energy.
Your lucky number is 2.
I’m sure you can figure out that I ended up throwing my phone across the room. Thank God for screen protectors because that screen would’ve shattered without one. I was even contemplating pissing on it like a dog, but thought better of it.
Despite that shitty horoscope, I still went ahead and made one last attempt to reach out to her. I ended up sending her second birthday gift that Monday on her actual birthday. But there were crickets—no reply came. No text, no call, no nothing from Liz’s end. That’s when my world upended because I knew it was over.
Melanie has been doing a good job keeping me in line at work, but I fucked up the other day when I snappe
d at Mrs. Price. I thought she’d fire me as her attorney—I wish she would have. But, instead of being offended by my behavior, I got the feeling she was turned on—I shudder with the willies even now just thinking about it.
It was hard last weekend when I realized I should’ve been at the lake house with Liz celebrating our engagement. But instead, I spent it drowning my sorrows. I hate myself for doing that because I know what alcohol did to her ex, and I don’t want to be anything like him.
Since today is a Tuesday and part of the workweek, I finally decide I can’t avoid my friends forever. Shanna’s due in the next week or so, and I don’t want to miss that. Plus, I owe Alexi a lot for being there for Liz. I know without even having to talk to him that he’s been keeping an eye on her.
It’s hard not to feel sorry for myself, though. I threw myself a pity party last weekend when I was on my drunken bender. I even crumbled up the rest of her cookies and smeared them all into my floor. I made my very own abstract painting on the tile with the purple icing that used to form hearts. The whole thing was incredibly idiotic considering I’m the moron who had to clean it up. But when you’re drunk, you don’t think of these things.
Now that I decided I’ll finally show my face to someone, I think it’s best to start with Alexi. So, I walk into his clinic, and the receptionist tells me he’s in his office. I head back that way, hoping I don’t run into Liz, but also secretly hoping I do. It’s been torturous. At one point, I contemplated rubbing my hands with the lavender flower petals and then masturbating so my dick would smell like her. I know, I’m a sick fucker! But these are the kinds of fucked-up things you resort to when you’re screwed up in the head from a damn four-letter word that’s supposed to make you happy—not a word that destroys you!
I make it into Alexi’s office without a sighting of my sweetness. Pfft, she’s not mine anymore, my snarky side reminds me. I don’t even knock; I just walk in. I guess you could say I’ve become a dick of the highest degree over the last two weeks—yup, add it to the list. Gone is the sweet one. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he’s named Clusterfuck Caleb.
I shut the door behind me. Alexi is sitting at his desk with his fingers steepled and the hardest scowl I’ve ever seen my friend don.
“What the fuck, man?” Alexi fires at me.
I don’t say anything, so he slams his hands on the top of the desk, further demonstrating his annoyance toward me.
“So, you’ve been ignoring us, and you’ve got Caylan worried sick about you. Not to mention you never explained yourself for that whole proposal thing. And now you waltz in here, and I get the silent treatment. Why the fuck did you even come here then?” He questions with lightning bolts practically shooting out of his eyes and in my direction looking like a formidable entity.
“I don’t understand why you’re attacking me. Don’t be an ass. I was a shit person for avoiding all of you, but trust me, I was in no condition to be anyone’s company. As for the proposal, I see now that wasn’t the way to go. I got carried away. I thought we were both ready. She’s the one who doesn’t want me, though, so I guess she doesn’t love me. Maybe I’m better off not being with someone who doesn’t return my feelings,” I almost whine, trying to explain my perspective.
“You stupid motherfucker!” Alexi says with revulsion.
“I don’t get your animosity. What’s wrong with you? Shouldn’t you feel bad for me? Dude, I’m the one who got filleted that night. She turned me down in front of everyone. How the fuck do you think I’m supposed to feel? Then to top it off, she accused me of trying to butt into her family. God, I thought we were going to be a family!” I’m seething now replaying the scene in my mind.
I’m more hurt than anything, but I’m covering that hurt up with anger because that’s what guys do.
“I never thought you of all people would be this thick and so obtuse. You’re usually so in touch and in tune with this kind of shit. Half the time I think you’re part woman because you get chicks better than any guy I know. But right now, you’re being selfish and a prick. Do you not realize her side of things?” He chucks the words my way.
I guess I’m stupid and a fool in love—now a fool in pain. I don’t get what he’s referring to. I never even told anyone this, but I bought the ring right before Brent and Everly’s wedding. I’ve been carrying it around with me. If she went through my suitcase the night of the wedding, she would’ve found it. Yeah, it’s been on my mind for a while to put it rightfully on her finger.
I know I said I’d take things slow, but once we started acting like a family, I naturally thought it was time. I didn’t realize there was a protocol for how long I had to wait. Even within my group of friends, they all knew right away that their own partner was the one after a short time—I didn’t think our relationship was the exception.
“What’s there to realize? I love her; she doesn’t love me. End of story!” I bark out.
“Okay, I can see I’m going to have to approach this differently,” Alexi sighs and switches tactics.
Then he levels with me. “Liz is a mess. I had to give her a leave of absence. Don’t you get it? Anyone who’s seen you two together knows damn well she loves you. But you proposed to her in front of all of us. You told her you loved her for the first time in front of all of us. You took away a private moment and made it public, and then you put her on the spot so she’d look like the asshole when she turned you down. How’d you expect her to say yes when she probably didn’t even know you were truly in love with her? Think about it, man. Her husband of eighteen years died two months ago. Don’t you think that messes with a person, even in a loveless marriage like they had? And you don’t even know her entire past. She has a history—apparently a dark one I don’t even know about. She’s hinted at it, but I never got the story.”
He sighs again and obviously isn’t done raking me over the coals yet. “And for fuck’s sake, the kids don’t even know how you feel about them, let alone Liz. You made it seem like just anyone would do for your wife and kids.”
I am hit smack-dab in the face with the truth, and it knocks me for a loop. I feel like I’m going to pass out. I stumble backwards and am grateful when my ass lands in a chair. I open my mouth to reply, but only air comes out. It’s like speech eludes me right now.
Alexi gives me that now you’re getting it look. What a dumbass I am. I really thought every woman’s dream was to be swept off her feet or rescued like a damsel in distress. Here I’ve been for the last two weeks feeling sorry for myself, and poor Liz has been in hell. Alexi’s right, how could I be so fucking obtuse?
Shit, I never dreamed she would be this affected and have to take a leave of absence. I drop my head into my hands and can’t even look Alexi in the eye. I’m a damn pussy!
“Liz…,” I croak out without looking up.
“She’s at my lake house. Fred and Milly have had the kids for the last few days, and they’ve been getting them to and from school. She got your package on her birthday, and that sent her into a downward spiral. She basically made it through Tyler’s prom last week, and then I could see she was falling apart. I made her leave and promise not to return until she was feeling herself again. I’ve never seen her like that. She wasn’t like that even once in all the years I’ve known her. Not even after that fucker husband of hers died. She’s always been so strong. I think there’s something else going on with her. I don’t know what it is,” he says sadly.
Well, now I’m even more concerned and feel like a failure as a man, as her friend, and as the one who loves her. I don’t know if she’ll want to see me, but I need to at least try.
“Before you go getting any ideas about running up there to be with her, I’ll just tell you no! If you want to get back in her good graces, or make it up to her, you need to give her time and space. If you go up there and try to worm your way back into her heart, I don’t see that working. I think she needs time to heal and figure out things for herself before she can deal with your crap. And
that fucking bitch Courtney put some bad shit in her head the night of the party. I’ve already ensured she was fired. For her to accost Caylan that time and now make Liz think you two have a history, that was the final straw!” He says menacingly.
“Whoa! What did Courtney say to her, exactly?” I demand to know.
“Some bullshit about how since she refused your proposal, now Courtney can make a move on you. And she basically told Liz she’s too old for you,” he relays, waving his hand and trying to get the words out.
Now I’m on my feet, boiling with anger. Of all the things for Courtney to say, she couldn’t be more wrong about me and my taste in women. But, then I think about how I still never told Liz I prefer older women. Another failure on my part for not putting her mind at ease and assuring her the age difference is welcome. Fuck! I have a lot of wrongs to right.
“Thanks, Alexi. I don’t know how to ever repay you for all you’ve done for her. I’ll make this right,” I vow.
“Caleb, that’s what families do. You’ve been there for me in my darkest times when I went through what I did to win Caylan back. Have faith and unfuck this situation before I end up losing my best employee and friend!” He threatens.
I hold my hands up to placate him and back out the door slowly. He shoots me the middle finger, and I give him a two-finger salute as I head out of his office.
As I’m walking out of the clinic, I feel a little better having this new information. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like shit because I’m a dumbass. But at least I can try to unfuck the situation as Alexi said.
Liz…I’m sorry. I love you. I’ll fix this…somehow.
Chapter 21: Oh So Charming
Liezel
It’s Tuesday afternoon, and I’ve been at Alexi’s lake house for a few days now. It’s almost—and I reiterate almost—difficult to be miserable when you’re at a place like this, but my misery is warranted.